Rituals

Science ends and then you have ritual.

That is what is left. The answer from within. An answer from taking control by finding control in something bigger. It’s an oxymoron. Give control to get control.

I’m talking about religion I guess. Aren’t they a variety of rituals? A way of speaking to God, light, an all mighty being of some sort. The it. They may look different but aren’t they all really the same? Looking for the waves in the unplotable.

So that’s where I stand now.

Deep in ritual, but only for the way out, I can’t find the why.

Finding the WHY has been a journey with no end and puts me in a state of anger, fear, and self pity.

I think finding the WHY will be my path for the rest of my life. Even when all this is done, I will still be half here, finding, looking, for meaning for answers. For the statistical anomaly.

We had to be chosen. How else can it be? How else can it be.

There is one thing that is absolute. There is NOTHING that a five-year-old soul has done to deserve this. That is probably the only absolute I know. Jacob doesn’t deserve this, no child deserves this.

And Steve…how can Steve deserve this? What has he done?!

Is it me?

Maybe it was me.

I know everything I’ve done. I am me. I’ve listed them. I’ve listed the good and bad.

And I still come up blank.

I’m a good person. I’m a good person. I have always done right. I have always cared with all my being. I’ve been lucky. I am one of the privileged. My life has never revolved around money so I had the ability to just do right. I never had to steal for my child, but I understand those who do.

I’m a good person.

And I’ve learned more about myself than ever and I still stand by that. I’ve looked DEEP. REAL DEEP.

I did discover a talent that I never really understood until now. A talent that is my biggest burden. The heaviest burden for right now.

Nope! Wrong word.

Maybe it my heaviest responsibility…It’s like walking with 30 people on your back.

I’ve been given this ability to FEEL things so deeply, through my pores, through my veins, feelings explode.

I feel it all. I feel it all.

I hear that song play in my head as I write it. You know the one by Feist.

I always have been told that “I’m sensitive.” I’ve never been able to hide my feelings, which hasn’t always been a good thing. Especially at work. Child first. Ask anyone. I will always answer the same way. Ask anyone. What is the best interest of the child? That’s what we do. It’s truly a simple business plan.

But I never knew how extreme it is until now. I never knew that until I walked this path with others. I can see it from their perspective. Seriously. I can see it all from their perspective.

I know this sounds insane. It is a bit insane. But so are those numbers? So are those stats.

It is insane.

And it’s a lot, but not all bad. This might sounds strange, but mostly good. I see such beauty. I see such strength.

I feel it all. I feel it all. Maybe that song will come on some time.

I can see and FEEL how all the others feel. I see Steve’s journey, I see my mother-in-law, I see people for who they are. I see their sacrifices for Jacob. I see my friends.

I see you. I really do. I see you.

I see everyone’s sacrifice for Jacob. Putting themselves last. Leaving their schedules in nicely colored blocks to join my time. I watch my mother-in-law sacrifice everything for my strength for her family. She barely eats but smiles and takes care of Benno. She has enough strength for all of us. She’s always there. My father-in-law who wakes up to get radiation (oh yeah that’s another factoid. My father-in-law has cancer), but can’t bear to miss a second without Jacob so hurries straight here. I watch all my family suffer and it KILLS me. It kills me for them.

And it’s so beautiful. It hurts.

So the WHY is a place I have to walk away for now. Because there is no FUCKING GOOD REASON. No good reason that people likes us have been chosen for this road. No good reason why all these good people should suffer.

I’m putting that aside for a bit because its a dangerous path and it doesn’t serve Jacob. I’m focusing on how to make it better because I need it to be better. I need Jacob to be better. He looks sick today. Just like the movies. He looks like that. Not moving much. “I don’t feel well.” He’s in pain and nothing tastes “right.”

I need to make Steve feel better. I need to make Mema feel better. I need to make myself feel better.

I need to get through this.

I’m finding my rituals.

I’m finding the way OUT.