Today was a lost day. A lost day in the world of cancer. It was supposed to be Day 1, but due to the change in protocol, things were a bit mixed up (on the hospital’s end) and after an entire day at the hospital…we did not start the round. Today became day zero. A day lost.
And guess what? I’m okay.
I’m okay.
I listened. I learned and next time, I won’t let this happen again. Not because I will “yell” or call some board member, but because I can forecast it and fix it before it even happens.
I think about the “last time” a lot recently, Steve’s cancer. I was a mess. I was not even thinking. I was too hysterical. What was I going to do?
I was RATTLED to the core.
I realized something: I don’t know squat!
And I found my writing from that time.
Six months ago, life hit me in the face. My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was a one-two sucker punch out of nowhere. Upon hearing the news and the incessant googling that followed, the reality that my husband may not live to see our children as adults became real. Hypothetical scenarios of the coming months raced through my head constantly, and it made me start to think about all of the “what ifs” I have never had to think about before. “What if” I need to navigate this life we have built as a team on my own?
A quick glimpse into my thoughts during this inner breakdown:
What is “the mortgage?” Where would I even find it? Can you find it? Is it a piece of paper? Is it digital? What’s the website? Do I pay it monthly? How? Who is our mortgage person? Is there even such a thing as a mortgage person?!
Heart pounding, head racing, my worries spiraled further…
How do I turn off the water when that toilet in the boys’ room overflows as it has these past few months? Which breaker turns off the stove? How do I manage expenses? What software should I be using? HOW DO YOU CHANGE A TIRE?
As I waited to hear about the results from the countless tests that my husband incurred, my mind continued to spiral into survival mode, and I came face to face with a reality that was always there, but I never had to acknowledge: My years of earning high honors at prestigious schools did not set me up for what I actually needed to know in order to survive and thrive on my own, and definitely not others, like my children.
I didn’t know squat.
My life was riddled with HOLES.
Holes in knowledge.
This was a scary place to live. It is hard to function when you are riddled with holes. Can’t do much with your guts spilling right there out on the floor. You are of no good use to anyone, especially your spouse who needs you.
BUT this time, it is quite the contrary. I feel READY. I feel prepared. And when I get knocked down, I KNOW I will get back up. Life can continue to throw punches and some I recognize I can’t control, like today. However, I can control the way I handle them, so I can LEARN from them.
And the day wasn’t a total lost. Mind the Gap had a very good day!
Thanks to our thinking partners at Makeable, we declared our rally cry!!
I just want to SCREAM it. Here it is!
And boy does that feel appropriate.
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