I need to document the moment I reached the top of the dark side and was able to look back and see the beauty that was there all along, but I lacked the light to see.
Since June is going nowhere, I’m only left with my own documentation. What worked? Why did the sun rise again? When did June lift?
Annoyingly so…it didn’t happen one magical morning. It took time. Time. Damn it. I’m sorry future Abby…I’m going to say that word, patience. Ugh. Vomit. I’m sorry. The word is so condescending. The soft “c”- the entire thing, but yes that is part of the process.
And yes, Fuck you patience! What if you just move faster than most? Isn’t the world and others supposed to catch up? Why am I the one to have to change? But…yet patience is required, but not towards others, but towards yourself. No matter which way you parse the data nor the number of interventions I try, 4 weeks at least. You can’t stand on your head to get it to go away. Although, I know you will try!
So number one factor, time and “p” word.
During the month smoke weed. This one is odd to many and possibly not a good one to recommend for others as anxiety orders are often exacerbated by weed for many. But weed has a unique property, it slows down time. It makes me be more “p” word. After some research, there is real data to support this response. Weed affects our perception of time. It tends to slow down time and that slower speed allowed me to heal. I needed the world and my body to slow down.
But if I really look at my calendar and my own anecdotes, the best medicine? GOOD HUMANS and ADVENTURE. I call this new discovery “PTSD shocking GOOD therapy.” The only way to battle true depression is a BIG dose of evidence that the world is magical and good. You need to take yourself out of the “known” environment of supreme court decisions, children needing you, and bad people. Instead, go hang with people who fight for others. Listen to the stories of others and travel. Go adventure. A work trip counts—anything out of the ordinary works.
While many good humans (and the month of July) played a role in helping me snap out of this round I have to write about one. I got “shocked” by dining with a real patriot and former politician who continues to work for this country. Together we talked about the future of our country and our youth. I got to be part of talking about solutions. And sitting next to this legend with over 50 years in politics and seeing that he still fights was inspiring and put a little light in my eyes. He hasn’t given up!
But let me be clear. Hanging out with famous powerful people is not required. I think the biggest PTSD shock therapy I had was with a homeless man. We sat for 2 hours together. He was amazed that he found a white woman smoking a joint on a park bench. We kept laughing when we sat together as he nicknamed me “unicorn” as he never knew people like me existed. He had never sat so close to a white woman before. And what was the necklace I was wearing? A unicorn. Well that made us laugh and laugh.
We talked about life, death, family, and faith. I asked him how he keeps the faith. How he walks the streets and sleeps in his car, yet smiles. He looked at me with pity. He looked at me with pity! Just think about that. He then said. “In your eyes I can see a life of incredible privilege, but also real pain.” He reached out to me and said “I wish I could take that pain away, but know that there is a bigger story here. You have to have Faith.” I started to tear up. And he went to hold my hand and we sat there holding hands for a good 2 minutes. And I felt a real moment of relief. I felt connected to humanity. I felt that while not homeless, this man and I share a common life journey.
Next June? Adventure and good humans! Planning ahead
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