I stopped writing.
I had to put it aside for many reasons ones I hope to one day share, but mostly because I can’t write the same. I am no longer her.
But I miss her.
The nightwing her.
Such a crazy thing to say. Considering that girl spent her days and nights in hospitals and was on the brink of mental breakdown daily. But I do. I miss her. She was tuned in. She had clarity about the world and her place in it.
She had the unique opportunity to watch you all run by.
I miss the sit.
I sat. You ran. You played life. I played the sidelines. At times you were all blurry. Moving so fast, but that allowed me to witness the colors.
I watched. I watched. I watched. I watched. For minutes, to hours, to days, to months, to over a year.
The room where I watched even had a name: The Room of Waiting.
You may know it as the waiting room.
You’ve experienced it. We’ve all been in this room. Imagine doing that for 18 months. You get into a rhythm. You can do it in your sleep. Your body becomes one with the chair and I sat.
And watched.
And, most importantly, learned.
I walked away with a real understanding of humanity, suffering, and love.
I was a student of life. A person searching for the ultimate WHY as only with understanding the why, could I gain control. And all that sitting led me to one lesson: control is only gained by embracing uncertainty.
So I share this with you all on this upcoming holiday, my favorite holiday. Embrace uncertainty. Embrace it.
Don’t wish for “normal” that is a foolish task.
For example, people assume that my life has just gone back to normal.
Life by no means is back to “pre-cancer” as there is no such thing. There will never be “back to normal” you will see.There is no AGAIN. No such thing and expectations should be checked. You will create a new informed normal. One with the weight and the lessons of the past. And it will be better. The weight from the past can make the present feel lighter. That it can. But it can also make you just a bit more fragile so be gentle.
So when wishing in 2021 (thank GOD), don’t throw out 2020. Embrace the lesson that 2020 gave us.
No one is in control.
Embrace the uncertainty and all will be certain.
Wishing you an uncertain 2021 with certainty that you will make it the best.
Happy New Years all!
Abby
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