Bull to deer

Jacob was always big for his age. We would always warn Benno about teasing his little brother. “He can kick your ass not one day, but TODAY! You may be 2.5 years older, but he is bigger than you!” Jacob always had the big legs, strong legs, the potbelly, the works. Built like a bull. Benno has a slender build.

And as I watch him sleep now, it’s hard to remember that. I had to look at pictures to remember the bull, who now reminds me of a baby deer tottering on pin stick legs. 

I found this video, an all-time favorite. Look at those cheeks. Look at those cheeks!

But today I don’t see that bull. He has deflated since surgery. He now has skinny legs, no belly, and chiseled features. No fat on that face. He’s small. It’s sometimes hard to spot him in the bed. He matches the white sheet and just blends in with the blankets as just a small lump in them. He has lost so much weight. He has only eaten a pack of goldfish today and yesterday a few bites of a pancake. All to be vomited up.

We are on the dreaded cisplatin. It’s an infamous chemo drug that leaves people laying on the floor dry heaving for hours. The poison that everyone dreads and he is getting four days straight of it. Today was the last day of the infusion, but it builds in the body. We are anything but out of the woods. We have been lucky in our previous round, but this time Jacob is having a rougher ride. But, its nothing compared to our neighbor. We hear her dry heaving and we worry that it will be us in an hour.

And again I find myself thankful.

But then to my right there is someone receiving anti-bodies (immunotherapy) and she’s screaming. This is our next step. In theory how could it get worse? No more poison! And anti-bodies help your own body. It is also only 5 days in the hospital a month. WOW. That sounds amazing!

But from the screams and the stories…I know that this is no picnic either. The anti-bodies attack nerve endings. Parents have said it was like putting your child in an electric chair.

No words.

And it’s beautiful outside. It’s hard to reconcile.

How can such beauty and such horror coexist? Maybe the weather is a sign! A sign of a HEALTHY new year.

I sure the fuck hope so.

REALLY looking forward to a new year. We need a happy and HEALTHY new year.