June

I’m determined never to be “here” again, but I’m still unsure how to do that. I doubt taking June out of the calendar is feasible and prior to cancer, it was a month I loved. So taking down June is not a solution.

But the status quo is not either.

I do not accept this.

I will not be here again.

I have come to the conclusion that I live a “1% life.” I live in the 1% of probabilities both good and bad. My odds of being eaten by a wild bear are somehow more than yours. I somehow will defy those odds, but the opposite is also true. I will win the lottery more likely than you too. I have more tragedies than the common person, but also I’m also the luckiest too.

I’ve come to just accept this and I’ve got ample evidence to back up this claim. 1% life it is.

So my life will be a ride for sure. The first 42 have been something.

BUT BUT.

If I am going to have all these “tragedies” and FEEL all of them so deeply (empath), than it is ONLY fair that I get to FEEL the highs. The incredible moments when life just hugs you. When everything just lines up and you feel bigger than just your life.

That is only fair. Why can I feel all of your pain but not the love recently?

So THIS can’t happen again as lately I can’t not feel the highs that my brain acknowledges exist. In June I can only feel the lows. 

Example: Benno’s birthday. Logical self- AMAZING! I mean the best. He was in his happy place and we were scouting a site for Benno’s bar-mitzvah. Here is a video of Benno, Steve, Jacob, and a friend watching planes land from a pool! How cool is that. But yet, I watched it, but couldn’t feel it. All I could feel was panic, fear, and sadness.

This is not fair.

So this cannot happen again.

I will spend this entire year fighting for June. I will reclaim this month as soon as I can feel it again.